My Dad committed suicide a little over 3 years ago now, and I often wonder what would have happened if he had come to me before hand, if he had given me a chance to try to talk to him out of it. He died because he was very depressed, and feeling hopeless, and thought he was doing me and my Mom a favor.
Because the universe works in mysterious ways, I recently had the chance to have this conversation with someone dear to me. Only time will tell if I had any effect, but it occured to me that maybe there are other people out there who are considering taking their own lives because they believe the same lie that he believed - that the world, my world, was better without him in it. Trouble is, NOW, I know what I would have said, but I wouldn't have had any idea back then, I probably would have just said the same old crap that people say in Hallmark movies, or when adversting about medication for troubled teens. So, here's what I would tell him now, with the benefit of hindsight.
But, first, a disclaimer or 2. I'm just a woman who lost her Dad and in no way capable of giving actual advice. If you're thinking about it, please talk to someone in your own life who you trust, or even someone that you don't (they may surprise you). My Dad did not have a serious life threatening illness, nor was he ever a threat to others - these possibilities and many others would likely change my answers. I can only speak to what happened to me, and how I feel about it now. It feels strange to be putting this "out there" at all, but I am still strangely compelled to do so. Here goes:
1. I'm not going to "get over it." Loved ones aren't just sad for a while and then move on. My mom still cries every day, 3 years and 1 month later. I'm the stoic one, but I still cry plenty. There are moments - quite often - when the loss hits me like a ton of bricks, and it feels like I'm just getting that phone call on the day he died. A woman in a support group I went to lost her father over 30 years ago and she still obviously misses the hell out of him.
2. My life is worse - aside from the grief - for several practical reasons. Mom's life is way harder now and I'm the one who has to constantly pick up the pieces. Every day, I spend time and mental energy that at this stage of my life would typically be going to something else, like starting a family of my own. I may not ever have kids now and I know that this, too, is grief that I will have to work through at some point.
3. Things that were fun now make me vomit - like the game Hangman, for example, or that ridiculous movie The Happening that I'll never get to see because people kill themselves in it. For the first year after it happened, every time I heard the word rope, or saw a picture of one, or God forbid saw someone hanging, I literally threw up. EVERY TIME. I'd estimate about 50 times in the first year. Now I just feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I'd imagine the same applies for other methods, but guns, cars and pills are way more prevalent than ropes, so multiply my issue by a nice round number.
4. Mom and I are more at risk of committing suicide ourselves. The numbers vary, but I've read that I'm as much as 40% more likely now that a person close to me as done it. Those aren't very good odds - how often would you make a choice where you knew someone you loved had a 40% chance of dying? Or even a 10% chance?
5. Mom will always blame herself. The fact that she is now doomed to that hardly seems like something he would have wanted for her, and it certainly didn't make her life easier.
6. Other general "bad ripples" - I don't know and may never know all of the other things that changed with his death. Maybe things would have gotten better for him, maybe not, but this not knowing is I think the hardest thing for me. He met a violent end - physically and emotionally. How could that not have unknown consequences in this vast universe?
So I think that about covers it. I really do understand and of course I forgave him immediately. Everyone has to make their own choices in this world, and who am I to say that this isn't the right choice for some people? Maybe it even was right for him, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. I just thought you should know.
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3 comments:
Wow, Becky. This is powerful stuff. And you a powerful woman. And brave. And awesome. I know we're not in touch much, but I've thought about you a ton over the last few years, knowing that you're struggling with all of this. I hope that time can help you to find some measure of peace with all that's happened. --maya
Dear Becky, like you my father also committed suiced this last June. I found his body in his apartment June 26th. He hung himself with a bathrobe tie from his headboard. When it first happened I thought I was going to die. The only way that I survived is that I know Jesus Christ personally. He brought me through this ordeal with much grace. He took the sting from me quite quickly. My mom and dad are divorced and my dad raised me. It was not a distant relationship at all, we talked daily. I love him very much and I had no idea he would ever do this, it was so out of character. He got a DUI and I guess he had depression I didn't know about and the DUI just sent him over the edge at 58 years old. He was a car salesman and I guess he couldn't live with the humiliation at work and the process of going to court and losing his license. He never would want to be a burden on anyone either. He never said a word and I talked to him after the DUI and had no idea what he was contemplating. I miss him badley and if I didn't know Jesus, I could not have gone through somthing this dark. My heart goes out to you. God Bless. Mindy
thank you so much for writing all of this. your honesty is inspiring.
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