Weekend in Arkansas

Finished up on Friday in Chicago, completing 3 days of training on the new ECM my company is switching to. I'm excited about the move as it will provide lots of new tools and functions, but I am sometimes dismayed by how long it takes to move things forward at a company of this size. The process started 2 years ago and is in the final stretch, but I likely won't be able to sit down and start using on a daily basis until JANUARY, at the earliest. Certainly adds another layer to working in the Public Sector. If it takes this long and we have the money and only a board to answer to, how on earth does anything ever get done with minimal funding and competing political interests? I left the city still loving Chicago and wishing it weren't quite so cold, as it's one of very few cities I'd seriously consider living in otherwise. John could perhaps even be convinced since it's home to his latest crush.

After the meeting I caught an afternoon flight to Little Rock - the plane was only slightly larger than a tin can, but it miraculously left and arrived on time. I usually make my own travel arrangements, but it was lovely to be picked up at the airport and it continues to surprise me that I'm literally delighted to see John almost every time I see him, especially even after short times apart. Next we drove the hour or so to Bald Knob, the last 15 minutes down a lonely stretch of road that ends in 3 miles of gravel leading to the houses at Cole Corner (named since John's Aunt and Uncle live on one corner of the road, his cousin and her husband now occupy what used to be the Grandmother's house on the other). I was cranky by this point, but the fire flies were miraculous. More than I have ever seen, and so vivid in the darkness.

The weekend was, as usual, mostly about food. We ate, cleaned up, then started preparing for the next meal. Other than that, I got some reading in - Stephanie Meyer's new book The Host, which is good so far but I'm not SUPER into it like I have been with her others - chatted with the in-laws, and helped keep the children occupied. The children - 6 in all, ranging from ages 12 to 6 months - are a handful, to say the least. Every day I feel like I am a little more conflicted about the decision to have my own, and spending so much time around the kids didn't really do anything to sway me one way or the other. Yes, children are an amazing amount of work, frustrating and needy and such alien creatures. But I see the way they give structure and meaning to the most mundane tasks - the simple act of being present and "there" for them is amazingly powerful. I spent some time with the oldest daughter - an awkward child who is a bit overweight and too smart for her own good (yep, I can relate) - just being goofy and teaching her some yoga poses. She was thrilled, and I was thrilled to watch her.

Everyone is being very respectful about our decision (not) to breed, but I am certainly feeling more pressure lately. Watching John's mom with her sister's grandchildren was difficult, as is knowing that I am the only one (with John's participation) who can do anything to change her status from mother to grandmother. And don't get me started on my own mom and the joy that babies would bring to her lonely life. It's such a major decision - perhaps the biggest of my life - and it's so hard to know what the "right" answer is. For now, both my heart and head agree that now is not the right time, but I am starting to feel that there are bigger forces at work that I've only begun to explore. I'm reminded of the Matrix for some reason - I'm certain this is one of those decisions where you should just know the right answer "balls to bones" as the Oracle would say. Guess I'll just have to wait this out and have faith that at some point the answer will come (hopefully with a super big blinking sign), but, damn, I hate waiting.